Whereupon we explore the Phenomenon of Craving

Here are two pictures of Brutus, the 900 pound grizzle-bear at Montana Grizzly Encounter. One of his attendants had placed hunks of cornbread around the enclosure before Brutus came out to visit, and it was fun to watch him suss them out and eat them, wherever they were hidden. The rock in the photos, by the way, is very tall. Very, very tall. Taller than I am, I think. Much taller. Had the nice attendant been placing Burrito Supremes around the place instead of cornbread, I might have had to wrassle Brutus for three or four of them.

Chapter 4: craving.

Yesterday was Wednesday, which for me means a long shift at work. I am the store manager of a small local pizza restaurant. I cook pizza and wings and such all day long. In addition, I schedule all of the other employees, inventory and order all supplies, manage personnel issues, create and implement efficient procedures, etcetera etcetera. So, at work, there are two major "opportunities for growth" that I see on almost a daily basis: availability of Food I Want To Avoid and Stress That Makes Me Want To Murder My Employees. Both come with the territory; I am well paid to be stressed out. Plus I get PTO (Paid Time Off) so that when my head is really threatening to explode, I can get away for a little bit. Just clarifying: I love my job, and am extremely grateful to have the experience (and the money) that comes with it. I'm just airing out the two main things that challenge me in regard to my eating.

So! FIWTA and STMMWTMME (Worst. Acronyms. Ever.) both trigger in me the Phenomenon of Craving. I was paying particularly close attention last night, so that I could tell you about it today. By the way, I think it was the knowledge that I would be writing this today that allowed me to resist the craving, and not eat in order to quell it. Anyway, here is what happens to me physically when a craving sets in:

My heart rate increases. My senses sharpen, most noticeably my vision; everything takes on a sharper edge and a deeper hue. My breath quickens. I get jittery. I need to move. My insides feel uncomfortable. Not painful... just uncomfortable enough so that my brain wants to do something to set things right. I get surly. I really want, when I'm right in the middle of one of these episodes, to make it stop. And, as I am well aware, the fastest way to make the discomfort stop is to put a drug in my body. Almost any substance that is really bad for me will do. Alcohol, narcotics (those, thank God, are things of the past), or sugar, fat and salt. I know for a fact that fast food, in large quantity and quickly, will stop that discomfort dead in its tracks.

This is a difficult knowledge to have and still refrain from acting upon. Difficult, I say. Not impossible. I have proven that to myself in the past. Not often, but often enough so that I know that it is possible to simply ride the feeling out. Like last night. I had two big craving episodes, then a series of smaller, more short-lived ones as the night went on. In the past, I have tried through positive self-talk to get through the cravings without eating. I succeeded maybe one in ten times. I think that what I really needed was a more immediate reward for valor in the face of craving. Before, I would try saying things like "Just think of what you'll look like in 6 months if you learn not to give in!" Well, friends, 6 months might as well be a lifetime when the madness is upon me. Looking toward the distant future was not going to do the trick often enough. An incredibly helpful friend has pointed out to me that behaviors develop into habits in mere weeks. So, I need a method that will allow me successful resistance for weeks at a time.

And this is it. Right here, right now. Last night, I knew that one of two things was going to happen. Either I was going to receive the gift of sharing a success with you, or I would shoulder the burden of sharing a failure. Turns out, I wanted the reward that I'm experiencing right now badly enough to ninja-aikido the craving and pass through it unharmed. I let it move in me, around me and through me, and allowed it to pass by. Midway through the second big one, I knew that I wasn't going to give in. Even in the midst of feeling horribly uncomfortable, I felt empowered and joyful... and even a measure of humility and gratitude that I was being allowed to experience that success.

It may not happen every time. But it's really good for me to have found this writing, and to know that some of you will read and respond and share in the joy of the wins and forgive the losses. I'm humbled to have you with me, and could not possibly express how grateful I am for your presence and support. Tomorrow, maybe we explore the different aspects of reward, and I can get your input on healthy versus unhealthy methods.

Peace and love to you,

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

February the fourth

298 pounds