A bit of something from over here, concerning weight loss and also some tangents thereof.

This is a picture of me in Atlanta, soon before I started trying to lose weight. At the time of this picture, I weighed between 375 and 400 pounds.

So... I guess I'm going to give this blog thingy a go, even though I really have no idea if it will be useful to me or anyone else.

I intend it to be mostly a journal of my on-going battle with being overweight, and what I'm doing (or frequently not doing) to wrangle the whole thing into something manageable. I expect I'll get off track every few sentences; bear with me if you can.

There are just so many elements that play a part in the way that I view myself... this writing process is going to be all over the effing place. Where do I even start? How much do I want people to know? Hoo boy. I think I'll just start with now, and the things leading up to now.

I started trying to lose weight in a serious way on September 3rd of last year, after a visit to Atlanta that contained a brief but very touching conversation with my father. He was concerned about my weight, which in recent years has danced around and flirted with 400 pounds... and sometimes exceeded it, I am sure. I had a good group of excuses at the ready. I always have a good group of excuses at the ready. I manage a pizza store. Healthy food costs more than unhealthy food. I don't have time to prepare meals all the time.

All of the points above are valid, and true. And crap.

The real deal is this: I love to eat. I love to eat too much, and too much of the wrong thing. I use food like a drug. Like I used to use alcohol. But more on all that later.

Whatever the reasons, I couldn't get my talk with Dad out of my head when I got home... especially when I looked at the pictures of me with my brother and sisters. Holy shit. I am enormous. And, since I have done a couple of things in the past couple of years that I had thought impossible, why not add one more to the list and lose some weight? The first thing I did was to define why I wanted to lose the weight. Oh, and I bought a scale. The journey begins at 375 pounds. On to the reasons.

Reason number one: Attractiveness.

If I'm going to do this thing, share my journey with others, I think I need to be honest. I have a lot of fear about this, but I'm going to do it anyway... comment if you like, but I sincerely hope that I'm not fishing for reassurances when I write disparaging things about myself. It's just how I feel. I'm working things out here. There, now everything is thoroughly qualified. Back to the point.

The point is, I do not consider myself to be attractive. Not in a romantic/sexual way, anyway. I think that I have a somewhat handsome face, a kind aspect, but that's just not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about physical attractiveness, and I think that I have hidden that part of me away. I think that I have done so on purpose. Success, you see, is scary. What if I allow myself to be attractive, and the shit actually works? What if I actually get the thing that I think I want? Terrifying. Anyway, back to the point, rambler. So. Yes. I'm fat, and I think that's fairly horrible to look upon. I do not want to be that way. I want to attract a lovely woman. There. Reason number one out of the way.

Reason number 2: Activities.

There is all sorts of stuff that normal-sized people do all the time, which for fat people is either impossible or humiliating in some way. Simple things. Hiking. Canoeing. Swimming. Running!

I have to buy two seats on an airplane. Well, I don't have to... but the airline can keep me off of the flight if there's not an empty seat to put me next to. Up yours, airline companies. You're the greedy bastards that made the seats so narrow in the first place.

I can't ride a roller coaster, because I can't secure the safety bar thingy.

I don't dance anymore, because I can't stand the thought of how all that fat looks in motion.

So, there are a lot of activities that I'm not willing to deny myself any longer.

Reason number 3: Health.

At 41 years old, I'm just beginning to feel like I'm getting a fairly good handle on this being alive on the planet thing, and I want to stick around for a while to enjoy it. It's as simple as this: fat people die sooner.

There you have them, my reasons for losing weight. So, what I did was I got a scale and a sort-of plan... I would cut out sugared sodas, fast food, cheese, mayo, most everything that I really like to eat, and I would exercise. I have in large part done those things... with some glaring exceptions, which I will write about next time. I'm going to end this session with some encouraging news... I am losing weight. Quite a bit of weight. My size 56 pants have become size 50 pants. I am feeling better about myself and my appearance, and even about my frequent derailments. I am more agile than I was before, and stronger.

I used to want out. Out of life and its painful changes, its ups and downs. These days I want in. I want it all, everything that being human has to offer. Signing off for now. See you around the next bend.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

February the first, 2010

305.6 pounds