Some of the pictures that I like best, I take without actually looking.
So I had a rough couple of days. Only a little rough, eating-wise... but on Sunday night I was up until three in the morning, filled with nameless dread, unable to stop eating peanut butter sandwiches. Man, I tell you; I was certain that some very bad things were happening. I was going to lose my job (not true). I had done something awful, but couldn't remember what it was (also not true). I even had myself convinced that there was no difference in the way I looked, that the whole thing hadn't worked at all (big-time not true).
I completely stuffed down the knowledge that I was eating poorly, and really got down into the weird. I haven't been that far down the rabbit hole in some time. I was scared. I didn't like it. I don't want to live in that place anymore.
When i woke up yesterday (thankfully it was my day off), I decided that I needed to actively combat the sickness of the day before... so I got off my keister and went to work on my surroundings. I went to Bozeman to buy some supplies, got a haircut, then got my clean on. I did laundry, cleaned, organized, built shelving, etc... and ate well.
So today I feel somewhat back on track, but I'm still nervous. Today I begin my new work schedule. We had to shake things up, cut a bunch of hours... I still have my job with the same salary, I just have to work a little more and different days. There's no real reason to be afraid, and yet I'm still listening for the whistling noise. You know the whistling noise? It is the noise you hear right before the Million Pound Shithammer smashes you into jelly. Rationally, I know that every time the MPS has hit me, it was a result of my own faulty decision making... and I'm pretty sure I've been doing everything I ought. But still, I'm listening. Wish me luck.
Your weird friend,
Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson
February the twenty-third, 2010
288 pounds
Good luck Big Dads!!!! I know you can do it! Lots of good energy coming your way today!
ReplyDeletesmooches!
xoxoxo
manion
Each day (or night) brings it's own demons we just have to learn how to fight them. Peanut Butter and Raspberry Jam sandwiches are my downfall. Now, grant you, I can only eat one at a time but generally I will have wolfed down 5 by the end of the day...the middle of the night is the hardest. I have lost 5 pounds since the 12th so I'm doing something right but this is when I generally get discouraged and put it all back on...need to be really alert for that set back. I am soooooooooo proud of you Steve...stay strong and continue on the same path - no one is perfect. With the weight you are also shedding tons of insecurities and years of beating yourself...it took time to gain the weight and it will take twice as long to shed it. Always remember you are loved by so many people who you mange to make feel better, about themselves, just by your attention.
ReplyDeleteMy friend. Change brings it own sense of dread, like a roller coaster with no seat belts. It doesn't mean your on the wrong path. It means you are on A path. The body and mind need time to catch up to each other. Good for you for knowing a new spirit most easily connects the two.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure why, but I think the first sentence of this post may be the most significant. Great photo, by the way, if I haven't said that before. Or if I have.
ReplyDeleteI know you can do this. You are loved. I miss you.
ReplyDeletesometimes the dread that envelops us is not our own. Sometimes out of nowhere we are engulfed in sadness, anger, dread, self hatred etc...
ReplyDeleteThese feelings are not ours but our mind immediately begins to try to find reasons for these feelings, making them personal. This wakes up that voice we all have that is always ready with a list of all we have done wrong.
breath
Look at the stars and know that the voice is a lie, you are an amazing human being that has inspired many to follow their calling
And we will love you forever
See here, Not So Big Daddy... it's not whether you fall – or fail or sign off-key – it's whether you get back up and keep going. You just might occasionally succeed and sing on key.
ReplyDeleteAgreeing with the above comments..and just sending some Light your way. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteCracker - text me next time you're in that bad neighborhood! If I'm lucid enough to hear the beep-beep I'll call you back. Don't worry, I fall back to sleep easily, so a few minutes of me explaining to you "No, you're not going to be fired and Holy Shit Steve you've lost almost 100 fricking pounds, you look awesome" I can crawl fright back in with TFS. Or even if you don't text me, you'll be distracted enough to stop shoveling and think "oh Crap, I was supposed to send Cheese a text. Nom Nom Nom". Break your food trance long enough to regain rational thoughts.
ReplyDeleteAlso, look at what you binged on....PB sandwiches. Was it whole wheat bread? Moderate amount of PB? Even though you ate it, was it a lesser evil than, say, deep dried meat-stuffs or whatever the hell it is you carnivores eat? A box of maple bars? A pillowcase of Halloween Candy? It takes time to turn that battleship my friend. What you dove into head first Sunday night was probably healthier than what you would've inhaled a couple months ago. Next time, oooh, shudder, go to town on a WHOLE bag of edamame. For shame :)
You're doing awesome Cracker. And I love the photo. Can you email it to me in full resolution so I can print it?
You are brilliant, and you've clearly got a village of amazing people rooting for you. I'm with Kim, gimme a call if you need, I'd be honored.
ReplyDeleteI also love your next day coping, I do the same often. Cleaning up and organizing are really calming for me.
Love, love love!