Take A Hike, Pal

I have been hiking a lot. I'm getting kind of crazy about it. I want to do it all the time. Maybe it's because the season is so very short here... June, July, August, maybe a little into September. The rest is pretty much winter. So, up Pine Creek I go. I have gone maybe six or seven times in the past week. I prefer to hike with a friend or two, but if nobody is up for it... I'm going anyway. The hike up to the waterfall is pretty easy. It's one mile, with just a little climb at the end, just enough to get my heart rate up nicely. And it is really beautiful, just amazing. I love it. Then, yesterday, my hiking pal Caitlin asked if I wanted to hike to the top of the falls. Sure... why not? I have been toying with the idea of hiking all the way up to Pine Creek lake (another four miles) so why not go a little farther up and further in?

Oh, boy. It goes, in just a hundred vertical feet or so (about 10 switchbacks), from really beautiful to spectacular. Say it like this: separate the syllables and get loud. SPEC-TACULAR! So I went a little farther up (and further in) today, by myself, and this time I brought the camera. Thanks again, Dad. There are little flowers at the higher elevations that don't grow below. The air is crisp and lightly scented. And it's harder to get there. Those switchbacks are steep, some of them. But the feeling I have when I get up there... I'm going all the way to the lake, and soon. For an overnight trip. I'm told by reliable sources that the view is stunning, and worth the effort. The effort, by the way, is considerable. After the falls, it is another four miles to the lake... four miles of switchbacks ascending three thousand vertical feet. That is a serious hike. But I'm up for it. I'll keep you posted.

It was a half and half kind of week, eating wise. Three partly cloudy days, three blue sky days, and one very sick day which was neither. I'm not quite as mindful when eating as I would like to be, and I give in to appetite more often than I like. But, overall, I think the new path is a good one. I'm exercising like crazy, and I'm getting fitter. Also, Jess Owen called me fabulous, which makes me silly happy.

Oh, and there are a lot of cutthroat trout in Pine Creek lake. Yep.

Peace, love, and good hiking to you all.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

June the twenty-second, 2010

260.6 pounds

Patience, Grasshopper

There were luminous little blue faerie-flowers all over the side of the trail up to Pine Creek falls.

The best thing about exercising is hiking, and seeing stuff like this.

Staying off of the scale for a week at a time is teaching me patience, or that I'm a neurotic nutbag, or both.

I wrote that I wanted to focus on what kind of day I was having instead of the weight loss it generated, and that is still true... but it's more difficult than I thought. Keeping away from the scale really gets my internal dialogue going, really allows me to get into the weird and splash around. Is it working? I feel heavier after that apple. My pants feel loose, maybe it's working... is that possible, or did they expand? Maybe it's due to humidity, or lack of humidity, or these aren't the pants I thought they were, or maybe they were already loose when I bought them and I just didn't notice, or maybe I was standing differently last time I wore them. Is my face fatter now than it was ten minutes ago? I shouldn't have eaten that grape.

Oh, boy.

The good thing is, when all my weird comes out, I get to lay it on the table and have a look at it. I get to decide what is useful and what I want to pitch in the trash bag. It will take a lot of work to get rid of the stuff I don't want, but at least I know what it is.

As far as my month so far goes... out of fourteen days, I have had two Partly Cloudy and twelve Blue Sky days. That means that I have exercised every single day, sometimes extensively, and only eaten more than I thought I should have on two days. And no destructo-food, no Taco John's or MacDonald's or microwaved chimichangas from the gas station. The two days that I knew I had to count as Partly Cloudy, the food that I ate too much of was healthy, home-made stuff... so things have been pretty darn good.

Did it work? I have no idea. It is weigh-in day today, and I haven't done it yet. I'll do it right before I post this thing. I'm a little nervous... what if I have to post a zero loss? Or (gasp) a gain? Well... what if? Will the roof collapse? Will my friends shun me? Will I somehow be diminished as a human being?

It is useful for me to ask myself these questions, because the answer is "no." None of those things will happen. I still will have done well what I set out to do, and can be glad of it. And summer is really, really close... I'm ready for hiking and camping and seeing friends that live far away, and more hiking. And Blue Sky.

Come visit me, please. We'll go for a walk and look at flowers.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

June the fifteenth, 2010

261.4 pounds

A Different Focus

Wagon and lilacs.

I'm going to try to shift my focus just a bit today.

I'm not going to weigh myself. I'm becoming a bit obsessed with the number on the scale each morning, and while I think I still want to use my weight as a measurement of progress, I don't want it to be the daily end game. So I'm going to try to stay off the thing for a week, and instead focus on how I comport myself each day. My old resume says that I am a "results oriented individual," but this isn't job hunting... it's life hunting. And the results aren't up to me, only the work. So, I think I'll concentrate on the process for a while and let the chips fall where they may. For instance, I had a fine breakfast a few minutes ago of yesterday's excellent stew, a chunk of good local bread, and a few grapes. When I began to feel full, I stopped eating and put the leftovers away. When I feel hungry again, I'll drink a glass of water or sugar-free sweet tea (steeped with fresh mint - yum), then wait at least a half an hour before eating. Then I'll stop eating again when I'm not hungry. That takes a bit of a change in my habits, as I need to eat more slowly than usual if I'm going to use hunger as a portion guide. So I have to take my time. I don't work today, so that isn't too tough. When I'm working, I have to pre-portion correctly because there really isn't time to pay much attention. And I'll put in considerable exercise today... it's time to hit the gym for some weightlifting again. I can do a lot more physical stuff than I could even a few months ago, so I have to make sure that I push it just a little... my tendency is to let it ride easy and just sort of marvel at how good it feels to have regained a measure of fitness. I'm not in a shape that is anywhere near where I want to be, you see. I have made excellent progress, but I want to achieve much more.

So that's today's plan. I have chores and obligations, but I'm happy to take care of them, as that kind of thing adds to the blue sky of the day considerably... and the sky really is blue today; it is a pristine Montana spring day out there and I'm going to go get me some.

Tom Waits sang, "We're chained to the world, and we all gotta pull."

I don't mind.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

June the eighth, 2010

Blue Sky On A Cloudy Day

US highway 89 South.

It's been a good week. I have a new rating system for my weight loss... I'm color-coding each day on the worksheet that I made to keep track of my weight. Blue for "blue sky," the best kind of day: no eating derailments and exercise. Yellow for "partly sunny": good eating day with no exercise. Grey for "partly cloudy": imperfect eating day with exercise, and dark grey for "hurricane": big eating breakdown with no exercise. I had a partly cloudy day on the first of this month, but the past five days have been blue sky all the way. I'm going for a full week of blue sky.

I feel good physically, too. My exercise has been solely in the form of walking this week, and I'm really enjoying it. Got the ipod going, good shoes, and a small town to peruse... and spots of nice weather here and there. Plus the whole place smells like lilacs and sweet pine. Yesterday I walked to work and back (maybe three miles round-trip), and today I'll walk downtown to do my banking and hit the library... even though the weather is mildly crappy with a twenty percent chance of repugnant later in the afternoon. Later this week I'll add weightlifting back into the routine. My energy is good, my general mood is mostly bright, and I'm losing weight again.

I've been making my own food again, too. I love to be in the kitchen puttering, and it is an interesting challenge for me to learn to cook differently... paying more attention to the fat content of what I make, plus learning that I don't need to make enough food to feed an army. My crock pot has seen a lot of use lately. Chicken, pintos, low-fat chili... plus (outside of the crock pot) tortillas, avocados, nuts, and lots of salads. Today in the crock: garlic, onion, fresh-roasted green chili, cilantro (from my window), sweet corn, chicken, and chicken stock that I made last night. This evening I'll add a masa roux and a little low-fat sour cream. Stand back. The kid can COOK.

It's almost time to weigh in for the day. I'm waffling a little on whether or not I want to weigh daily... I'm trying to concentrate more on the color I get to put in the little box each day. If I eat well and exercise, my weight will go down. I'm not sure if I need to check it every day. Maybe weekly? I don't know. I'll keep weighing every day for now, but I'll be thinking about it. Gotta go now... the daily walk awaits. Gonna get me some blue sky on this chilly, cloudy day.

Love and joy to you all.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

June the seventh, 2010

264 pounds

To Begin Again

A flock of white pelicans wing their way to a nice spot on the Madison.

I have decided to begin again.

I have become complacent and lax, and I really, really don't want to lose the thread now. So here's the deal... I'm throwing out all the weight loss, everything I've done over the past nine months, and I'm starting fresh. As of yesterday. This is a new deal, with a new starting point... as well as an ending date rather than a specific goal weight. I weighed in at 269 pounds yesterday and I'm going to see what I can do with that by August 5th. That's the day that I'm planning to go to Flathead lake for a great big celebration at my family's property. That's swimsuit time. Also, it's right before my dad and stepmom and sisters and brother and niece and nephews show up here in Paradise Valley for vacation. It's right around the corner, and I'm gunning for some real change by then. What little sunshine we're getting around here these days is helping to inspire me, and I feel a sense of renewed commitment and energy. Summer is on its way, folks. Time to get cracking again.

In the wise words of Vasquez, "Let's ROCK."

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

June the second, 2010

269 pounds

In Order That Someone Will Shut Up About The Damn Tulips

This is my garden. I have: four Roma tomatos, four red bell peppers, one habanero, four jalapenos, one Anaheim chili, one sweet banana pepper, two kinds of basil, one cilantro, one spearmint and one rosemary... all in the front window.

I have been absent from writing for a very long time. The manatee has been silent. So, prodded by (not so) gentle encouragement from my excellent and constant friend, Kim R., I've decided to pick up again. There's been a lot of change since my last post, and many things have also stayed the same.

First of all, I have moved. I have an apartment, a fine huge space with pretty walls and all the amenities that I could wish for... except a yard, to be sure. I'm going to miss watching and photographing my avian friends. I guess I'll have to seek the birds out, since they won't be able (or inclined) to come visit me.

Okay, so that's really the only thing that has changed... but that one thing has had such a huge effect on me that it seems like a lot of things. I guess there are a lot of internal differences caused by the new arrangement. I began really thinking about it last night, and carried it over into this morning: the way that I feel about living alone, and the comforts and dangers that come with it. It is interesting to me that the good and bad feelings that I have happen almost simultaneously; one right on top of the other. Sometimes they even overlap, and I feel sad and content at the same time. That is an odd combination of feelings, I tell you. I think I'll outline the bad things first, then wrap up prettily with the shiny happy stuff. You're welcome.

And now that I really think about it, there's only one elephant in the room. It's lonely here. I am, by nature, a people person. Wait, let's clarify that a little. I am... selectively gregarious. I don't want to be around everyone; in fact I find a large-ish percentage of the humans out there to be fundamentally lacking in admirable qualities and I want nothing at all to do with them. But there are plenty of folks that I think are the bee's knees, and them I like to be around a whole lot... and the ones that I really really like, well... I think with those people I hop from "gregarious" right over into "needy." And there's nobody here but me.

Then there's my dog. Now my mother's dog, I guess. Oh, how I miss my little dog. Seriously, it's ridiculous... just writing about it, I have a knot in my gut and my throat feels tight. I decided that Mom could keep Muzzy living with her, both for her benefit and his, but I hate hate hate the end result as far as my own comfort is concerned. Selfish, I know. But that is why I made the decision to leave Muzzy with my mother; because he really loves to have someone around, and I'm at work a lot. Often more than eight hours at a time. Also, I was (am) trying to ease the feelings of guilt that I have over leaving Mom alone in her house, and I hope that with the dog there she will be a little better able to handle being by herself. So, I think my reasoning is intellectually sound, but I'm crushed. And I've been prowling the regional animal shelter websites and thinking.

There it is. I've written before about solitude and my feelings about it, and it's still the same... but more sharply focused these days. I'm having to put it in a bright spot and take a good look, because it's there, unavoidable, and appears to be there to stay. I may be entirely wrong about this, but I can't get away from my conviction that none of the good things that I gather in life are worth a hot damn unless I can share them with someone... human or animal.

And I need to be careful when I'm feeling this way, because it has been my lifelong habit to medicate the shit out of loneliness (five, five, five for my lonely) either with drugs and alcohol, or food, or even affection.

I don't want to take my friends and loved ones hostage. I don't want to obligate them to fix my sadness.

I don't want to eat myself into false contentment. Yes, I do! No, I don't. YES I DO. Shut up, please. That's a tough one, and the battle is far from over.

And as far as drinking is concerned, I would literally rather die right his minute than go back to the awful place that alcohol and drugs invariably took me. So that's out.

Maybe it's mostly a question of having to be aware that what I'm doing is making important discoveries. My discomfort may be necessary to gain insight. Back to the "holding the tension" thing.

I think I'm losing the thread here. I think it's time to cover the good bits, then touch on weight loss, then I'm outta here. There are pizzas to make.

The good: It's all mine. My things, my art, my plants, my gear all arranged as I see fit. And my apartment is really nice. Also, the responsibilities are mine, and fulfilling them in a timely fashion is incredibly satisfying. I have a great deal of contentment with my new surroundings.

Weight loss... I'll be brief. I'm not always perfect. I sometimes eat crappy food in quantity... far less often than I used to and far too often to keep my weight loss on a perfect track, but here's the hard fact: I weigh 270 pounds, and last September I weighed 375 pounds. So there you go.

I'll try to write more often. But I'm not promising a damn thing.

Peace and joy to you all, and thank you for being there.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

May the twenty-third, 2010

270 pounds

Christos Anesti

It takes a long time for Spring to arrive. In October, Winter can be seen lurking around the outskirts of town... leaning against a shabby storefront smoking cigarettes, leering at your best girl, making the children uneasy. Soon Winter is making ugly scenes right in the middle of Main street, howling and throwing snow all over your yard. Oh, he'll go away for a day or two, maybe even a week... but it is soon clear to all of us that he is here to stay, really settled in for the long haul. Winter has moved in and he isn't going anywhere; he bothers you on your way to the car every morning, he says rude things to you and your loved ones every time you go outside and makes every person hurry indoors. He rules my little town for five months without contest.

Then, maybe late in March, maybe early in April, Spring arrives and begins to gently suggest that Winter might find a different town to pester, maybe someplace in Siberia... but just maybe it's time to leave Livingston alone for a while. This pisses Winter off to no end, let me tell you... and now it's time for Winter and Spring to fight for another couple of months, trading punches and biting ears until winter is finally too tired to continue whereupon he slouches gloomily off to ruin someone else's mood.

Very shortly after, Spring will tip her hat, wink at us, and leave all abruptly... leaving her brassier sister Summer in her place. But until then, Spring places her little clusters of tulips by my house and so brave they stay, even as Winter throws mule-kicks at us all. Through the late snows a brilliant tiny beacon of loving color warms me and reminds me that all will soon be renewed.

Brave Spring! O hope! With open arms I welcome you home, dear one.

Christos anesti.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

Easter morning, April the fourth, 2010

276 pounds

Spring, With A Chance Of 50 MPH Winds

Here it is. The very first flower of spring at my house. Isn't it lovely? And how brave, to attempt a blooming this early in the year! Good luck, little dwarf tulip. I'm awful glad to see you.

It's been a long time since I posted anything, I know. Mostly that is because I have been all over the map with things in my life... things concerning my work, my living situation, my relationship with my family, and other things that I may not be specific about yet because other people are involved. Some good stuff is coming out of the turmoil, though. I was worried a bit about my job, but after a fine talk with my boss, I feel like I'm on firm soil there again. Also, a very big deal, my living situation... I'm going to make a change. The current deal is not conducive to my forward progress as an independent adult. I like to stay in situations that are safe, even if they're not entirely healthy... in fact, I'm usually willing to put up with quite a bit of sickness to avoid making scary changes. I have recently (with the help of some very good people) found the internal fortitude to make a firm commitment to take a big step... a place of my very own. A home, a place that I can tailor to my needs and operate from in a mostly sane manner. Now, this might seem like an obvious thing, especially for a 41 year-old man, but here's the thing: I took a long, long time to grow up. I'm literally years behind where most folks my age are, as far as the trappings of an adult life are concerned. Hell, I never even dreamed that I wanted a normal adult life. But I do. Oh, boy... I really really do. It doesn't have to be anything grand, it can be small and quiet. I don't mind if I make pizzas for a living for a bunch of years. It's a good living. But it's time to get on with it.

Also, weaving its way through through the rest of the threads of my tapestry, my weight loss goal is still there. I've let go of it completely sometimes, and other times I've focused on it to the exclusion of other important things. I'm still looking for the balance, friends. Right now, I'm very very happy with how it has gone down. I feel so very much better than I did seven months ago. People have been saying nice things to me concerning how I look. And I have managed, when overwhelmed by my tumultuous emotions, to only eat myself stupid a few times.

I will try to write more. I can see mile markers ahead, some partial (some complete) resolutions to some of the more aggressive issues in my life. And spring is here, complete today with howling winds outside. Winter doesn't release its grip on us easily here in Livingston, and gets angry when spring demands its rightful place. Friday, I looked out of the front window at work to see heavy snow falling through the bright sunshine. Out back, in the evening, a lovely sunset was bordered on the south side by a boiling black snow front muscling up out of Paradise Valley. The weather mirrors my life perfectly... kicking and screaming into a warmer, more beautiful place.

Peace and joy to you all.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

March the twenty-eighth, 2010

279.6 pounds

More Notes On Something Or Other

Work. Play. Work. Education. Personal upheaval, and the positive but painful progress made by changing the status quo. Family. Love, marriage, children.

These are the things much on my mind this past week, as well as weight loss. Out of a depressed period, I start to think and try to make good decisions about larger issues, life directions, etc... and not to leap headlong in a different direction simply because I get squirrelly in the current one.

A good friend calls it "holding the tension." To sit in that place of tension, when opposite forces are pulling at each end, is uncomfortable... but it's where amazing things are revealed. I believe, and must remind myself, that the very best things come with effort; and no great reward comes without great risk. That doesn't mean that because I am uncomfortable I will recklessly abandon my job or life here in Livingston (as I might have once done) but that I need to be willing to do things that require effort and discomfort when the need to do so is revealed.

So I'm holding fast on my sandbar lately, and I've had a lot of good friends and loved ones of all sorts pull their boats up for a visit recently. I have excellent support and advice from trusted people... so when the mad currents clarify a bit and show me which direction to swim, I know I won't be dragged under.

Also, as is common when I come out of a poor eating/weight plateau and begin eating mindfully and well again, I have dropped weight again recently. The suit that the theater bought me for the Christmas Vaudeville is big on me. All of my clothes are big on me. When I walk, I feel tall again, not just wide. I'm nearer than seems possible to my next goal. For now, holding the tension seems to be working. Hopefully I'll be able to stand in the middle of the current battle of life forces (without food-medicating myself) long enough for the right path to appear.

Stop by for a chat if you like.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

March the thirteenth, 2010

281 pounds

I Got The Horse Right Here

Jeneva Plumb and Carolina Kehoe, two of the incredibly lovely and talented people that I have the great fortune to perform with, rehearsing for Guys & Dolls.

Yesterday was a fine day, and I have high hopes for today as well. We rehearsed Guys & Dolls for eight hours, I ate well, and slept like a baby. Today I'm working on the downstairs space that I inhabit, and tonight it's back to rehearsal... full days, but rewarding.

I don't have a lot of deep thoughts today, I just want to check in and let you know that I didn't need to binge on awful food yesterday... sometimes I can break a bad cycle with just one night of resistance, so I'm hopeful for the near future. The weather is fine, I feel good physically, and all of my business is enjoyable business.

I hope today finds you as well as I feel.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

March the eighth, 2010

286.4 pounds

Bleary Eyed And Droopy Tailed

Big Jule.

I am now certain that I've taken on too much. In my defense, when I agreed to perform in Guys & Dolls, I didn't know that my workload was going to increase as much as it has. Don't get me wrong here... I like to work and I like my job. But 45-50 hours per week plus rehearsing the show plus trying to lose weight just isn't working. I get to a point in the evening where I'm so tired that my body actually feels like it's vibrating... at a very strange frequency. When I get to that stage, any thoughts of eating well simply aren't there; I just want some comforting food and sleep. Luckily, I'm still very focused during the day, so I haven't gained any weight (two-tenths of a pound)... I'm just sort of in a holding pattern until I can calm my schedule down a little.

Overall, I have been in a positive mood. I'm optimistic about my life in general and my weight loss in specific... I just need to arrange my life so that I can avoid, whenever possible, becoming so exhausted that I no longer care what I eat.

Now I have to go learn lines.

Let's shoot crap.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

March the seventh, 2010

286.4 pounds

And In Other News

Sometimes it works. Writing real things about myself, then posting them for all to see, is terrifying in a way. But sometimes the things that happen as a result are worth the fear. Today I know things that I didn't know yesterday. Today I can sense Spring on the way, literally... and Summer doesn't feel like a lifetime away. I don't mind that I'm going to work soon, and I'm excited to run over to rehearsal after making pizzas all day so that I can be on stage with my friends. Just for now, today is good enough for me... and I may even sing and dance a little.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

March the third, 2010

286.2 pounds

Halt! ... Or I'll Say "Halt" Again

Yesterday was stunning, a welcome surprise at this time of year. Muzzy and I walked for miles, and rounded up my mother for a nice stroll at the dog park. Muzzy has lots of friends there, including this honking big harlequin Great Dane and a sweetly disposed lady Pit Bull.

In my last post, I wrote that I thought I was coming to the end of a depressed period... I was wrong. To paraphrase my late great-uncle, Fred, the weather was just drawin' back its fist. A fairly intense cloud of existential angst settled on me for a visit Friday and Saturday, an unwelcome visitor in a time when I'm trying to accomplish some difficult things. Really, it was all I could do just to get up and go to work.

I'll refer again to my 12-step recovery work, because principles that I learn there are useful in application to my eating problem... during this latest blue period I thought often of HALT. HALT reminds us that it is dangerous to become too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. Well, folks, as of late I have been three out of four of those things most of the time. I haven't been angry much at all, but the other three lurk around sullenly pretty much always... waiting to pounce. The thing is, I really don't know how to avoid any of that. Work makes me very very tired. I just had two lovely days off, and I'm tired (almost exhausted) just thinking about working in a couple of hours. I fear that's just the deal, though. That's what working people feel, and I'm fortunate to have a job that pays me as well as mine does, and even the measure of flexibility that I'm granted. Also I get to take a week off this summer to spend with my family, and I get paid for it. So Tired is just going to have to stay. Hungry... well, golly. If I ate every time I felt hungry, I would never lose weight. The big one is Lonely. That's just something that I feel, regardless of the wonderful, supportive people in my life. I know you love me, I know you're there... but I can't escape the lifelong feeling that I'm all alone on an empty sandbar, watching the world flow by. I think I've been trying to fill that emptiness since I was a wee lad... and it may well be a big part of my former alcohol and drug abuse, as well as my eating issue.

Now, I don't feel that way all the time. Like I wrote before, it lurks. It gives me enough down-time so that, if I work on myself, I don't have to eat, drink or drug it away. Also, I'm reminded of a novel by John D. MacDonald, in which Travis McGee tries to explain to his friend Meyer a sentiment similar to mine. As I remember, Meyer looks bemusedly at Travis and says something like, "Why, Travis... that's the way it is. For everyone in the world."

So I suspect that this unique suffering of mine, this special and private sadness, is maybe something that I share with everyone I know. Maybe it's just part of being a human being on the planet, this feeling. In any case, I tried to eat it into submission a couple of times over the past week.

But it's not all bad, friends. I had a really great couple of days filled with walking and sunshine and my dog and healthy food. And I made an interesting discovery. My father, as usual, was completely right about my scale worries. I weighed myself at the hospital, then walked straight home and tried out both scales. The digital was right on the money, the analog was way heavy. I tricked myself. So, by way of "shooting" the offending scale, I'm going to neatly package it up and ship it back... get my sixty bucks back, I tell you. It was nice to be wrong, and a little humility provided by gentle correction is always good for me.

I'm not entirely sure that I'm through with this particular bout of depression. I feel like I am, but I'm wary. We'll see how the work-week treats me. I am cautiously optimistic today; that's the best I can do. If I write, I'm doing OK... I find that I'm completely unable to write about a bad time while I'm in it. So hopefully you'll be seeing regular posts again.

From my sandbar to yours,

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

March the second, 2010

286.2 pounds

Ya Just Gotta Laugh

I think I'm finally ready to bust out the other side of the funk I've been in for a few days. Sometimes what it takes for me is something ridiculous.

Since the beginning of this weight-loss attempt, I have been using a digital scale to weigh myself every day. It's made by a company called Taylor, and you just step right up on it and a number appears in the little window, right? And that's how much you weigh, according to the folks at Taylor. Here's the thing... I don't understand how the device is arriving at a decision. I can't tell how it works. Are there tiny elves in there, throwing out numbers according to how squished they feel when I step on? Might as well be, for all I can tell. Also, I have tested it recently by weighing myself a few times in a row. Most of the time, I get the same number... but I have also gotten three different numbers on three different tries. That sort of thing makes my left eyebrow saunter up towards the top of my head and stay there. Are you kidding? What the hell is happening in there? Who's in charge? Seriously, folks... how much do I weigh?

So I decided to get myself a scale that I understand, an analog scale that has a clear causal relationship going on. I get on the platform, and inside the thing a spring is compressed. A mechanism then causes a needle to move a certain amount depending on how much the spring is compressed. The needle points to a number, which I then write down. I may not be completely on point as far as the mechanics are concerned, but I feel like I understand it. So I ordered me one of those. It arrived Tuesday, and I set it up and tried it out for yesterday morning's weigh-in.

Can you guess what happened when I weighed myself on both scales, the analog one right after the digital? I bet you can. C'mon, guess. All right, I'll just tell you. The digital scale has been weighing me... wait for it... fourteen pounds light. That's correct. I went from 288 pounds to 302 pounds in seconds.

I still weigh over 300 pounds. I am devastated and amused, both at the same time. I can't believe I have to break through that 300 wall again. Sigh. At least I'm close. And I've still lost the same amount of weight, it's just that I started heavier and have farther to go. So, I'm adjusting the starting weight to 389 pounds... but goal is staying at 225.

I don't know why, but I got over the despair that came with the scale revelation pretty quickly. I actually feel ok about it now. Kinda tired, but willing to plod onward. I'm not full of vigor at the moment, but I'm hopeful for vigor's return... because at least I'm still interested in staying the course.

Also I plan to shoot the unholy dogshit out of that lying digital scale.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

February the twenty-fifth, 2010

302 pounds

Panic At My Personal Disco

Some of the pictures that I like best, I take without actually looking.

So I had a rough couple of days. Only a little rough, eating-wise... but on Sunday night I was up until three in the morning, filled with nameless dread, unable to stop eating peanut butter sandwiches. Man, I tell you; I was certain that some very bad things were happening. I was going to lose my job (not true). I had done something awful, but couldn't remember what it was (also not true). I even had myself convinced that there was no difference in the way I looked, that the whole thing hadn't worked at all (big-time not true).

I completely stuffed down the knowledge that I was eating poorly, and really got down into the weird. I haven't been that far down the rabbit hole in some time. I was scared. I didn't like it. I don't want to live in that place anymore.

When i woke up yesterday (thankfully it was my day off), I decided that I needed to actively combat the sickness of the day before... so I got off my keister and went to work on my surroundings. I went to Bozeman to buy some supplies, got a haircut, then got my clean on. I did laundry, cleaned, organized, built shelving, etc... and ate well.

So today I feel somewhat back on track, but I'm still nervous. Today I begin my new work schedule. We had to shake things up, cut a bunch of hours... I still have my job with the same salary, I just have to work a little more and different days. There's no real reason to be afraid, and yet I'm still listening for the whistling noise. You know the whistling noise? It is the noise you hear right before the Million Pound Shithammer smashes you into jelly. Rationally, I know that every time the MPS has hit me, it was a result of my own faulty decision making... and I'm pretty sure I've been doing everything I ought. But still, I'm listening. Wish me luck.

Your weird friend,

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

February the twenty-third, 2010

288 pounds

Why, You're Barely Enormous! You're Merely Gigantic!

An old photo of me and Jeanine, in Virginia City, performing our famous "My God I Hope He Doesn't Accidentally Step On Her And Crush The Life Out Of Her" number.

Chapter 16: Can we still call you Big Daddy?

Since I have begun losing weight, several people have asked (by way of telling me that they noticed my diminished girth) if I will retain the Big Daddy nickname. So, I began thinking of the possibility of changing it. What would it be? The Daddy formerly known as Big? Not-So-Big Daddy? Hmm.

Then I thought, what does it mean to be Big Daddy? How do I see myself in relation to that particular moniker? And I decided that I really like being the Padre Grande, and here's why:

To me, being Big Daddy is a position of responsibility. It is a nurturing position, an umbrella under which the offbeat and weird can shelter. If I am Big Daddy to you, I will love you without requiring anything of you. Not that I won't take anything from you, I will; but nothing that isn't freely given and generated as a result of our interaction.. I will be careful with you and keep you safe. I will cherish you and share with you what life has taught me while I learn great new things from you. I will energize you as you energize me. I won't always get these things right, but I will review my behavior towards the people in my life regularly... and when I wrong you I will work quickly to correct myself. I will make sure that I have earned and continue to earn your trust. I will, most of all, be grateful for you.

So, a big Thank You to all of you that grace my life by sharing yours. You fill me with an energy that surpasseth all understanding, and I love you.

Enough sappy shit now. Pizzas don't make themselves, after all.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

February the twentieth, 2010

285.2 pounds

Oh Crap I'm Out Of Time

Chapter something: I'm going to be late for work if I don't shake a tailfeather.

OK, let's see... breakfast eaten? Check. Work clothes laid out? Check. Weigh-in? Check. Did I lose weight yesterday? No. Did I eat well? Yes. Crane folded? Check. Good. Got it.

I closed the store last night, so my sleep schedule is a little off. Hopefully, with the aid of both hands and an electronic ass detector, I will be able to find my ass today. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Love and joy to you.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

February the nineteenth, 2010

288.6 pounds

Resistance In The Land Of Hu Hot

Bella and Albus, two of the three fur-lizards that allow Bobby and Sue to provide for them. In the morning, when I went into the kitchen to make coffee, Albus would roll onto my feet so that I could propel him around the house.

Back from Missoula. I had a really great couple of days; I visited with loving friends, learned to fold paper cranes, played with lunatic cats, got treated to a couple of movies, and ate healthy meals. Also, Bobby and I went to the gym at the university... ooh, fancy.

Their gym has a big indoor track for running and walking... hard-rubber coated, nice on the feets. Bobby and I walked at a quickstep for a mile, then commenced to running. We alternated running and walking until we reached two miles, then walked one final lap: one lap = one tenth of a mile. Added up, we ran four tenths of a mile; just shy of one half a mile! Maybe that doesn't seem like a lot to smaller people, but for men of a certain stature, that is big news. You that have known Bobby and me for some time will understand. I had a vision, which I shared with Bobby, of what might have happened in the mind of one of our old friends had they happened to accidentally catch a glimpse of us running by. I imagined stunned disbelief followed by a swearing-off of whatever intoxicants they might have recently ingested, or even a quick thought to enter the priesthood. In any case, I'm going back in a month or so in order that Bobby and I might attempt to run a full mile. Golly. Reading that last bit, it looks absolutely insane. I better hit the gym here as much as possible.

As far as eating goes, only Monday was difficult. I wanted to charge full-tilt-boogie into the places that I loved to eat at in the past and just go to town. Hu Hot mongolian grill was at the top of the list, followed closely by the italian deli with the monster sandwiches, Taco Del Mar, Taco Bell, China Buffet and Thai Spicy.

I believe I might have given in to some or all of those temptations had Bobby not also been trying to alter his lifestyle in a healthy way. He has lost a lot of weight, and having him there to talk me down provided just enough accountability so that I could resist Hu Hot's siren song. He and Sue even resisted buying popcorn at the movies when we went. I'm very thankful.

All in all, a lovely visit, and another milestone reached: it is possible to go out of the home-area and routine and still make good eating choices. Not easy, but possible... and every victory adds more hard-welds to the structure of the new lifestyle.

Farther up and further in!

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

February the eighteenth, 2010

288.6 pounds

It's All In The Reflexes

I see you.

Chapter 13: Sunday

It's pretty early for a Sunday. 7:30 and I'm doing laundry, poring over a schedule for work, and writing. And, God help me, Piano Man by Billy Joel is playing in my head. What is it doing in there? Why has it come to the surface now? Get out. Out. Now! I'm going to have to open itunes and replace it, fast. There we go. Ah, yes. My friend Stephanie has a new band called Like Lightning... look them up on Facebook. Listening to Steph sing is like being inside during a blizzard, in front of a well-fed fire with a hot cup of chocolate. Music hath charms, and all that... though to tell the truth, the breast isn't all that savage today. It is sore from lifting weights last night, but I've come to like that feeling. Also, I'm very happy to be working a half-day today, and leaving to drive to Missoula right after. I'll be staying with Bobby and Suzanne, my now-married-half-a-year friends. I love them, and they have a nice healthy lifestyle that will fit right in with my own, so I'm not worried about eating poorly while I'm away. I need to get away for just a little bit. My brain won't shut up about work.

Anyway, I want to get in a little bit about weight loss somewhere in this disjointed ramble, so here goes. Yesterday was a little panicky at work due to technical difficulties, but I didn't eat at the problem. I mean, I ate... but I didn't use it to medicate the difficulties I was having. I can only think that practicing mindfulness is having good effect, and the process of deciding to eat healthy things is becoming habit. Also I got out of my Big Chair about 8:30 and went to the gym. A mile and a half on the treadmill, 3.5 MPH at 4% incline (6% the last ten minutes) and a weight circuit. Exercising at the gym has become a huge part of my Physical Reclamation project. In a short workout, like last night's, I burn maybe 500 calories. That's an entire meal. Plus, I can really see and feel my body changing... I know that adding muscle slows the weight loss a tiny bit, but I'm not concerned with that. First, at my current BMI, fat is going to burn off way faster than muscle is going to grow. Second, my deal is not so much about the number as it is the shape, ya dig? When all that extra fat comes off, there will be a much more pleasing shape waiting underneath. I can see bits of it coming to the surface even now, and I'm very happy with how it's going.

I'm not sure if I'll be posting while I'm kind of on vacation. I might, but I might decide to give it a pass until Thursday. I have a lot to think over and do between now and then... I'll let you know all about it when I get back. So! Until then:

Keep a watch out, keep the home fires burning, and if I'm not back in half an hour... call the president. -Jack Burton

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

February the fourteenth, 2010

290 pounds

One Ticket To Weirdville, Please

Comparison photos today. This is difficult for me to do, but the benefits are twofold: first, to visually prove to myself that the weight loss is real. It is working. Second, to remind myself that I have a ways to go, so that I will remain committed.

Chapter 12: tools of the trade.

I weigh myself every day. What I'm trying to do is view the number that appears as a tool, as information. Really. It sounds simple, but it's an enormous task to remove all of the useless emotional crap that's tied to the number... if I do everything right and the number doesn't change (or God forbid, goes up), I tend to use it as a signal of defeat.

You see, Watson? The number remains unchanged. Ergo, you will not lose any more weight, no matter what you eat... now go fetch us a trunk full of bacon cheeseburgers. I mean it, Watson. Get your ass in gear.

Or, if that doesn't work, I try to trick myself when the number goes down... to use my success as a reason to sneak in some fast food.

Congratulations, Watson! Another pound and one-half lost! Observe, Watson... you are losing weight even though you sometimes eat like a starving grizzly bear. Ergo, it will not matter in the grand scheme of things if you pop out with the wheelbarrow and secure us a snack of fried chicken and biscuits. Do it, Watson, do it now... before I am forced to pimp-hand you into the middle of next week.

Hmmm... re-reading the last bits... does anyone else think it's odd that my internal dialogue manifests on the page as Holmes trying to convince Watson to go get a bunch of fast food? Oh, well. If you don't know by now that I'm often as weird as a bag of hair, there's nothing I can do. Get on the crazytrain or get offa the tracks.

What the hell was I writing about? Stop trying to distract me, people. I'm making a point here. Wait, no I'm not. Not really. I'm just tossing out some observations. I guess what I wanted you to know today is that I'm becoming more aware of the tricks that I use to get myself to fail. And the more aware I am, the more often I can avoid the bear trap that I've set for myself. It is the thirteenth of February today, and I began writing on the first. In that time, I've had one non-productive eating day. That's the best ratio to date; hopefully I won't use that as an excuse to nom down a bunch of stuff that I don't want. Thank you for reading, commenting, and being out there.

Holmes, you shut up and leave poor Watson alone. He and I have a new goal to reach.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

February the thirteenth, 2010

291.8 pounds

Humpday Schmumpday

Me with my brother and sisters in Atlanta, shortly before I began the weight loss. Note the strategic placement of the Stetson... moobs covered? Check. Gut hidden? Check. You may proceed.

Chapter 11: some random thoughts

Friday again. I'm not as concerned with work today as I was last week. I mean, I'm still intending to devote my full attention while there, but I'm not all bound up over what may or may not challenge me. It's a matter of control for me. Here's the thing: I have absolutely no control over what other people do. The only thing I have control over is what I do... and sometimes even that is a little iffy if I'm not paying close enough attention. So, what I think is very important for me is to be as aware as I can of how I'm feeling and reacting to things that are beyond my control. Where is my reaction coming from? If I want to react poorly, is my ego bruised? Am I threatened in some way? What is the course of action that I can follow that will promote the most harmony and workplace effectiveness?

It is difficult, but important, to consider these and questions like these in the moment. I don't actually know how to do that yet. So what I have to do is back off. I have to have a little time to consider. I have noticed that if I keep my yapper shut for a little while and think a particular situation over, I'm more able to reach a conclusion that is constructive. Maybe, with a little time and practice, I'll get faster.

With my eating, considerations like the above are incredibly important. I have to give myself time to know what's really happening with me before I react to it. Learning to just sit there and think about it when I want to eat is a huge challenge, but it's working more often than not. I may have written this before, but I have come to this conclusion: when I want to eat, especially crazy gross things, it is almost never because I am hungry. I'm just as likely to have a fast-food craving when I'm full as when I'm hungry... it's almost purely emotional / psychological. Whoosh... it can be kind of a mess in my head. But I'm looking into the problem. It helps to get it on the cyber-page, without a doubt.

So... today I feel like I have a pretty good chance of making good decisions. I may not get every one exactly right, but I bet most of them will be positive. Bring it on, Friday. Humpday Schmumpday.

You can bring every heavyweight ya got; I got a lad here can beat the whole lot.

-The Big Strong Man

As always, peace and love to you all.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

February the twelfth, 2010

293.6 pounds

So I Skipped A Day

Yes. I skipped a day. I didn't post anything yesterday, and here's why: my head was too full of work stuff to think about life stuff. So I'm catching up on Tuesday's and Wednesday's eating today.

Chapter 10, or Episode IV: A New Hope

Pow. Right off the bat. Star Wars. That's how I skid. You're welcome.

I don't have a lot to say about the past two days eating-wise, except that they were very healthy. No derailments, no ventures into sickness. One big craving last night, which I shut down using steamed spinach with a little salt on it. Yeah, I Popeyed that sumbitch. Lots of tofu and veggies and such... my boss almost fainted in disgust when he saw me building a tofu-spinach wrap. The poor guy hates vegetables so much that he has to take them in pill form. I kid you not. I think I'd be up a creek if I didn't love healthy food so much... so I'm grateful.

The Star Wars plug in the chapter title even has real meaning today. A New Hope, today, means that I get to set a new goal. That's right, people... I've been under 300 for a week now (even though I got perilously close after the superbowl feed). This means two things: first, somebody throw some confetti and start honking and whistling right now. I wanna have a parade... thank you. Second: having received new, glorious artwork from Jess, it's ink time. Tattoo on. A bracelet of bluebells... humility, gratitude, constancy. You may preview the new piece at the top of the page, because I can not figure out how to insert the picture right here where I want it. Luddite moment.

So! 275! The new magic number. Get on board, folks. The Manatee Train's next stop: 100 pounds lost. Peace and love to you all.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

February the eleventh, 2010

293.6 pounds

Heaven And Earth On A Tuesday

Yesterday's (and today's) cardio: Chon-Ji. Heaven and Earth. The form signifies the creation of the universe, and is a wonderful physical and spiritual way to commemorate a beginning.

Chapter 9: I forget what 8 was for.

Second of two days off today. Yesterday I was able to really get into a mindful place as far as my eating and exercising was concerned. I got great benefit from both activities, and I had the time to pay attention to what was going on and enjoy it. It's not a luxury that I can find time for every day, so it's important for me to make the most of it when I can. I exercised a lot, ate very little and healthily, and spent a lot of time feeling what the food and physical work were doing to my body. I especially enjoyed the exercise.

One of the long-term rewards I have scheduled myself is a return to tae kwon do training. I really REALLY love it. In the traditional style (as opposed to a style that focuses on competition), it's really spiritual as well as physical, which appeals to me. I'm not even a little bit interested in kicking anyone's ass... as anyone who knows me at all can attest. The Manatee does not wish to fight. However, the Manatee wouldn't mind looking cool and feeling super good while learning and practicing fighting forms. Plus you get to wear a spiffy uniform, earn brightly-colored belts of rank, and yell real loud. And learn to count and follow basic commands in korean. So bad-ass.

I'm getting the jump on going back to class by re-learning my early forms. I have two friends that are into it as well. So, today it's off to the gym again, to get my Chon-Ji on. Maybe even my Dangun, hard to say. I do know this... I'm having fun, and can look forward to getting back to regular training once I have a more set work schedule. Heaven and Earth, on a Tuesday. Why not?

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

February the ninth, 2010

294.8 pounds

Six Days Forward, One Day Back

Six dollars in the newly-minted "Healthy Day Jar." Six bucks in seven days. Thanks for the idea, Jess.

I intended to cheat today. I thought that maybe I'd go to the gym before weighing in, or leave some of the food that I ate yesterday out of today's writing. I was mildly unhappy at wake-up time today, and I thought that perhaps I would feel better if I could nudge the facts around a little to better suit me. I changed my mind... and all it took was a few words of kindness and encouragement from friends. I feel better.

So. Yesterday. I'm not sure why I ate the way I did, I was having a good day... I guess that I'm able at any time to completely ignore the fact that I really want to eat in a structured manner. I went six days without slipping; this time I think I'll shoot for seven or eight. What I want to do now is list the foods I ate yesterday in order that I might get a better look.

One smallish bowl of Total cereal with Soy Juice (I like it, but can't yet bring myself to call it milk).

One sandwich... bread, avocado, nuts, ham, onions, tomatoes.

One bowl of baked chicken and veggies with soy sauce, jalapeno mustard and cilantro.

Three slices of pizza, easy on the cheese.

One bowl containing the following: hot dog bun, two hot dogs, a big ladle of turkey chili, sour cream, cheese.

Three handfuls of lite corn chips.

Several chip-sized scoops of guacamole.

One cookie.

First half of the day: awesome. Second half of the day: lead balloon. Right. Sigh... back up on the horse today. I'm going to meet a friend at the gym this afternoon to work some tae kwon do forms. And lift weights.

Another good idea from Jess: changing my concept of "reward" to simply a positive association with a certain behavior. So, what I did was this: I created a Healthy Day Jar into which I will deposit money when I have had a healthy-eating day. I made it retroactive, too, so that I could spotlight the six really good days that came before yesterday.

Now... I've been honest with myself and you about yesterday, but not used it as a weapon against myself. I also highlighted the good work in the week prior. So, what do you think? Progress?

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

February the eighth, 2010

299.4 pounds

Nonsense At The Week's End

This is a photo I took of Eamonn, one of my brother's band-mates. I like the light, and little patterns in the waves, and the hidden fact that Eamonn (bassist) is about to wallop Dex (drummer) with that wet, slimy kelp rope.

Chapter 7: A Better Day

Fridays suck. I've covered it; they suck. Saturdays, however, are good enough so that Fridays can go gnaw my gym socks in a corner... I don't care anymore. Saturdays rock. I get to open the store, my favorite thing to do work-wise. I have a harmonious crew on Saturdays. All of the elements of a good day are in place. Yesterday, I felt so good after 8 hours of work that I went to the gym. I was also able to easily weather the night cravings... so, hooray for Saturdays. Oh, and hey... Iron Chef America was on last night, Duff Goldman vs Michael Simon in Battle Chocolate & Chilis.

All right, I hear you. Maybe watching Food Network at night, right in the worst craving-time, isn't the hottest idea. I know. But I can't help it, at least when Iron Chef or Ace of Cakes is on. I mean, have you seen these shows? Iron Chef America is freakin' amazing. Some of the dishes those folks put together in an hour are unbelievable. I always turn it off before the verdict is announced, I do not care about that. I just want to watch the cooking, then see what the judges have to say. As for Ace of Cakes... my love for that show has nothing to do with food. I don't care about eating cake. It's just that somehow, the most adorable people in the whole world have all wound up working at Charm City Cakes in Baltimore. And I want to watch them on TV, since I can't gather them up and put them in my pocket.

Sometimes I have to turn off the Food Network, I admit it. I can't really watch Diners, Drive-ins & Dives without wanting to tunnel under a steakhouse in the dead of night. So I turn it off.

So, let's recap. Fridays bad, Saturdays good, I like TV, adorable cake people, sometimes I turn the TV off. Got it? Good.

Today I'll make pizza for hungry Superbowl watchers. If you're rooting for the Colts, don't tell me. I may be tempted to skimp on the cheese.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

February the seventh, 2010

296 pounds

A Short Recap Of Humpday

I love the archetype of the Jedi Knight. Deeply flawed, yet illustrious... noble in thought and deed... but never too far from being seduced by the Dark Side. Sith are just Jedi that got too pissed off one too many times.

Chapter 6: yesterday.

I'm tired and a little behind schedule, so this will be brief. Yesterday was Friday... my Wednesday. My humpday. It's my most challenging day, the day on which I need to focus my Jedi powers most strongly. All of the things that challenge me seem to get together on Fridays and come up with new and exciting ways to piss me off. My usual way of dealing with stress on a Friday level, as I've told you before, is monster fast-food bingeing. If you happen to be driving around on a Friday evening and you see me being led out of the back of an all-you-can-eat buffet in handcuffs, you will know that my inner Jedi didn't show up for work that day.

Yesterday, I made two mistakes and did one thing very right. I think they balance out, and I can consider it a wash... maybe even a victory of sorts. Obi-Wan Manatee was at work, but maybe he was into a crossword and a little distracted.

Mistake number one: I didn't bring enough food to work. I thought that paychecks would be at work when I arrived, and I would have plenty of time to pick up supplies or a couple of meals in the early afternoon... I was wrong. It was a mistake to come unprepared. As a result, I didn't eat often enough during the day. So I was plenty hungry.

Mistake number 2: when I got home, I tore through my food like a ravenous beast, which I was. I don't really remember eating it. The Discovery Channel could have filmed it as part of Shark Week.

Victory: the food I chose to eat yesterday was completely in line with my new plan. It was good food. Last night I destroyed a veggie wrap, a Lean Cuisine and a nonfat yogurt. So! I ate the right stuff in the wrong way.

I'm satisfied with that. I mean, I want to get to a point where (more often than not) I'm able to eat in a healthier manner more often than not, but the choice to eat healthy food was a big step for me. Chalk another one up for the Jedi. Eat lightsaber, you Sith bastard.

Wow. An entire post using Star Wars analogy. Here it is folks, on display for your consideration: my tremendous nerdiness. Enjoy.

May the Force be with you.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

February the sixth, 2010

296 pounds

I Have No Idea What To Write Today But I Said I Would So Here Goes Nothin'

I'm feeling a little silly. Also I'm stalling. I guess I'll put up a few thoughts about healthy rewards.

Chapter 5: Rewards For Valor In The Face Of Craving.

Yesterday was easy-peasy lemon-squeezie. Really, I didn't have to work too hard to avoid unhealthy eating. So there's not too much on my mind today, but I have a few questions. What is a healthy reward? Clearly, food is out. I'm not going to celebrate a successful eating day by snarfing down half a cheesecake, or a giant cheeseburger. So what I'm looking for is two kinds of rewards... one that is fairly immediate and inexpensive, and one that is more long term, associated with the completion of a specific goal.

Thought number 1: music. This is not entirely my thought, half belongs to Jess. She suggested to me music as a way to get out of my dark, scary head-neighborhood at night, and I thought to combine that with an instant reward. A new song from itunes! Only 99 cents! Last night I realized that I no longer had Lazy Eye by Silversun Pickups, and I had been a good boy, so I bought it. The headphones went on, and guess what? The neighborhood brightened considerably, and the road to sleep was paved smoothly. So, that's one good idea to be marked down in the Instant Reward column. Any thoughts on others?

Thought number 2: delayed rewards upon completion of a goal. There are things that I would like to do, or have. I'm playing with the idea of linking these things to specific goals, but would like some input on whether or not you think that is healthy behavior. I know from long experience that just because something seems reasonable to me at the time, that doesn't mean it makes any real sense at all... I find that with important decisions, I need to run them by people that I trust. Here's an example:

I am going to get more tattoo work. I am a tattoo guy. I love body art, and I love expressing things that are important to me in that way, and having them permanently displayed on my skin. I am not asking whether or not I should get more tattoos; that's a done deal. What I'm asking is this: do you think it's a good idea to attach it to a goal weight? Like this, "When I get to 275 pounds, I'm going to get the bracelet and elbow piece done."

Or, "After 15 more pounds, I'm going to buy myself a massage."

Also, if we decide together that long-term rewards linked to goals are in fact a good idea, I'd love some thoughts that don't involve a lot of material purchases. I don't want to buy a lot of new stuff in 2010. Unless you count body art as stuff.

That's what I'm thinking about today. I welcome and appreciate any input you might have.

May your road be smooth today, my friends. Peace and love to you.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

February the fifth, 2010

296 pounds

Whereupon we explore the Phenomenon of Craving

Here are two pictures of Brutus, the 900 pound grizzle-bear at Montana Grizzly Encounter. One of his attendants had placed hunks of cornbread around the enclosure before Brutus came out to visit, and it was fun to watch him suss them out and eat them, wherever they were hidden. The rock in the photos, by the way, is very tall. Very, very tall. Taller than I am, I think. Much taller. Had the nice attendant been placing Burrito Supremes around the place instead of cornbread, I might have had to wrassle Brutus for three or four of them.

Chapter 4: craving.

Yesterday was Wednesday, which for me means a long shift at work. I am the store manager of a small local pizza restaurant. I cook pizza and wings and such all day long. In addition, I schedule all of the other employees, inventory and order all supplies, manage personnel issues, create and implement efficient procedures, etcetera etcetera. So, at work, there are two major "opportunities for growth" that I see on almost a daily basis: availability of Food I Want To Avoid and Stress That Makes Me Want To Murder My Employees. Both come with the territory; I am well paid to be stressed out. Plus I get PTO (Paid Time Off) so that when my head is really threatening to explode, I can get away for a little bit. Just clarifying: I love my job, and am extremely grateful to have the experience (and the money) that comes with it. I'm just airing out the two main things that challenge me in regard to my eating.

So! FIWTA and STMMWTMME (Worst. Acronyms. Ever.) both trigger in me the Phenomenon of Craving. I was paying particularly close attention last night, so that I could tell you about it today. By the way, I think it was the knowledge that I would be writing this today that allowed me to resist the craving, and not eat in order to quell it. Anyway, here is what happens to me physically when a craving sets in:

My heart rate increases. My senses sharpen, most noticeably my vision; everything takes on a sharper edge and a deeper hue. My breath quickens. I get jittery. I need to move. My insides feel uncomfortable. Not painful... just uncomfortable enough so that my brain wants to do something to set things right. I get surly. I really want, when I'm right in the middle of one of these episodes, to make it stop. And, as I am well aware, the fastest way to make the discomfort stop is to put a drug in my body. Almost any substance that is really bad for me will do. Alcohol, narcotics (those, thank God, are things of the past), or sugar, fat and salt. I know for a fact that fast food, in large quantity and quickly, will stop that discomfort dead in its tracks.

This is a difficult knowledge to have and still refrain from acting upon. Difficult, I say. Not impossible. I have proven that to myself in the past. Not often, but often enough so that I know that it is possible to simply ride the feeling out. Like last night. I had two big craving episodes, then a series of smaller, more short-lived ones as the night went on. In the past, I have tried through positive self-talk to get through the cravings without eating. I succeeded maybe one in ten times. I think that what I really needed was a more immediate reward for valor in the face of craving. Before, I would try saying things like "Just think of what you'll look like in 6 months if you learn not to give in!" Well, friends, 6 months might as well be a lifetime when the madness is upon me. Looking toward the distant future was not going to do the trick often enough. An incredibly helpful friend has pointed out to me that behaviors develop into habits in mere weeks. So, I need a method that will allow me successful resistance for weeks at a time.

And this is it. Right here, right now. Last night, I knew that one of two things was going to happen. Either I was going to receive the gift of sharing a success with you, or I would shoulder the burden of sharing a failure. Turns out, I wanted the reward that I'm experiencing right now badly enough to ninja-aikido the craving and pass through it unharmed. I let it move in me, around me and through me, and allowed it to pass by. Midway through the second big one, I knew that I wasn't going to give in. Even in the midst of feeling horribly uncomfortable, I felt empowered and joyful... and even a measure of humility and gratitude that I was being allowed to experience that success.

It may not happen every time. But it's really good for me to have found this writing, and to know that some of you will read and respond and share in the joy of the wins and forgive the losses. I'm humbled to have you with me, and could not possibly express how grateful I am for your presence and support. Tomorrow, maybe we explore the different aspects of reward, and I can get your input on healthy versus unhealthy methods.

Peace and love to you,

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

February the fourth

298 pounds