Here it is. The very first flower of spring at my house. Isn't it lovely? And how brave, to attempt a blooming this early in the year! Good luck, little dwarf tulip. I'm awful glad to see you.
It's been a long time since I posted anything, I know. Mostly that is because I have been all over the map with things in my life... things concerning my work, my living situation, my relationship with my family, and other things that I may not be specific about yet because other people are involved. Some good stuff is coming out of the turmoil, though. I was worried a bit about my job, but after a fine talk with my boss, I feel like I'm on firm soil there again. Also, a very big deal, my living situation... I'm going to make a change. The current deal is not conducive to my forward progress as an independent adult. I like to stay in situations that are safe, even if they're not entirely healthy... in fact, I'm usually willing to put up with quite a bit of sickness to avoid making scary changes. I have recently (with the help of some very good people) found the internal fortitude to make a firm commitment to take a big step... a place of my very own. A home, a place that I can tailor to my needs and operate from in a mostly sane manner. Now, this might seem like an obvious thing, especially for a 41 year-old man, but here's the thing: I took a long, long time to grow up. I'm literally years behind where most folks my age are, as far as the trappings of an adult life are concerned. Hell, I never even dreamed that I wanted a normal adult life. But I do. Oh, boy... I really really do. It doesn't have to be anything grand, it can be small and quiet. I don't mind if I make pizzas for a living for a bunch of years. It's a good living. But it's time to get on with it.
Also, weaving its way through through the rest of the threads of my tapestry, my weight loss goal is still there. I've let go of it completely sometimes, and other times I've focused on it to the exclusion of other important things. I'm still looking for the balance, friends. Right now, I'm very very happy with how it has gone down. I feel so very much better than I did seven months ago. People have been saying nice things to me concerning how I look. And I have managed, when overwhelmed by my tumultuous emotions, to only eat myself stupid a few times.
I will try to write more. I can see mile markers ahead, some partial (some complete) resolutions to some of the more aggressive issues in my life. And spring is here, complete today with howling winds outside. Winter doesn't release its grip on us easily here in Livingston, and gets angry when spring demands its rightful place. Friday, I looked out of the front window at work to see heavy snow falling through the bright sunshine. Out back, in the evening, a lovely sunset was bordered on the south side by a boiling black snow front muscling up out of Paradise Valley. The weather mirrors my life perfectly... kicking and screaming into a warmer, more beautiful place.
Peace and joy to you all.
Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson
March the twenty-eighth, 2010
279.6 pounds
You write beautifully and mirror so many of my own sentiments. You will be proud of me, I have lost 10 pounds - only 30 to go! It gets easier with the passing of time - the diet changes seem natural and I rarely think of sweets or ice cream...now that's a plus!
ReplyDeleteYour moving on is more than a metaphor. Your Mom will probably miss you but your not moving to China. I never lived on my own. I went to a Jr. College and commuted daily while still living at home. Then I married Dale and the next 44 years is history...I never had the fun of rooming with others or venturing out into my very own flat - with bare necessities and a few throw pillows reflecting my personality! Go for it Steve...it will be strange for awhile but you will find that strangeness replaced by freedom...freedom to walk naked in your own skin! Do not allow your few detours sway you from your ultimate goal of balancing the harmony of soul and body. You are only 41 and have many years to sort out the little things - concentrate on the big picture and the piddly ass shit just disappears!
I love you and I count myself as one of your biggest (no pun intended ) fans! :)
Momma Roos
Well my dear I am so glad you are back! Transitions.."...and then I realized that I was never going to grow up- that growing up is an ever ongoing process"...not my words...someone else's. Good for you if this is what you want and need at this juncture in your life. Change is hard and the status quo is well easy and comfortable...the road more traveled is so easy. You have already challenge a few areas in your life that are the road less traveled so good for you for taking on another one! My move to Florida for the winter has been good for me. I have never spent a winter away from Montana..until this year. I switched up the same and known. At times it is amazing, exhilarating and other times it is very lonely. But overall...empowering!! So, My friend in this Montana Spring with Guys and Dolls wrapping up soon and other changes afoot My wish for you is that your new beginnings and changes work for you! I know its hard but I think once you are comfortable in your new space you will relish it. I hope your mom is okay. Family "STUFF" is so hard (sometimes). Keep this in mind as you are setting up your new pad..you may be alone but my dear by the number of people following your blog you are not A-lone. One of my favorite things to do is to dine alfresco when I am in my little comfortable home. It makes your meal... I do not know...taste better and you eat slower so you can relish the time outdoors. Especially when having to work in doors all day. So, wherever you move try to make an outdoor dining space,,even if it is just a small table and chairs! So nice in the summer!!!
ReplyDeleteHappy Spring to you...Mr. Spring and I will see you soon..to dine alfresco in your new place. I wish you well and keep up the great freakn' work!! You keep me moving and a wee bit Jealous...I have not had the success you have had with weight loss! I am still working on it and as you know it is not only a daily but sometimes and hourly battle that is usually going on inside of your head! Speaking of dicussions in our heads please feel free to visit my blog about my recent trip to Miami, South Beach...holy shit! testingroadsinprogress.blogspot.com. Love you and luck...sheryl
You CAN do it. I have no doubts whatsoever.
ReplyDeleteGlad to see you back at the keys. I recently "moved out" ...although I'm living with my sister instead of my parents, so...baby steps :D But I still think it's brave. I know it's the norm in our Industrial, American-ized version of life to get kicked out at 18, but many other places in the world keep the family together much longer. So I understand the desire to stay home and safe...and the restlessness to move on.
ReplyDeleteRemember that your weight loss is also a facet of a steady, if some times slow, gradual, lifestyle change. Once you hit your goal, it isn't as if you'll be "allowed" to just fall back into old habits. It isn't like a physical goal of getting trees planted or saving five hundred dollars. It's a physical, mental, spiritual change. That takes some time. So be firm, but gentle with yourself. (Like water :D )
And...I love the tulip picture. I think we all feel like that this time of year. Of course, things are pretty well in bloom in this corner of the world.
To echo someone else, you're a wonderful writer. The whole piece is good; the last paragraph, pure poetry.
ReplyDeleteLove you lots,
Dad