Spring, With A Chance Of 50 MPH Winds

Here it is. The very first flower of spring at my house. Isn't it lovely? And how brave, to attempt a blooming this early in the year! Good luck, little dwarf tulip. I'm awful glad to see you.

It's been a long time since I posted anything, I know. Mostly that is because I have been all over the map with things in my life... things concerning my work, my living situation, my relationship with my family, and other things that I may not be specific about yet because other people are involved. Some good stuff is coming out of the turmoil, though. I was worried a bit about my job, but after a fine talk with my boss, I feel like I'm on firm soil there again. Also, a very big deal, my living situation... I'm going to make a change. The current deal is not conducive to my forward progress as an independent adult. I like to stay in situations that are safe, even if they're not entirely healthy... in fact, I'm usually willing to put up with quite a bit of sickness to avoid making scary changes. I have recently (with the help of some very good people) found the internal fortitude to make a firm commitment to take a big step... a place of my very own. A home, a place that I can tailor to my needs and operate from in a mostly sane manner. Now, this might seem like an obvious thing, especially for a 41 year-old man, but here's the thing: I took a long, long time to grow up. I'm literally years behind where most folks my age are, as far as the trappings of an adult life are concerned. Hell, I never even dreamed that I wanted a normal adult life. But I do. Oh, boy... I really really do. It doesn't have to be anything grand, it can be small and quiet. I don't mind if I make pizzas for a living for a bunch of years. It's a good living. But it's time to get on with it.

Also, weaving its way through through the rest of the threads of my tapestry, my weight loss goal is still there. I've let go of it completely sometimes, and other times I've focused on it to the exclusion of other important things. I'm still looking for the balance, friends. Right now, I'm very very happy with how it has gone down. I feel so very much better than I did seven months ago. People have been saying nice things to me concerning how I look. And I have managed, when overwhelmed by my tumultuous emotions, to only eat myself stupid a few times.

I will try to write more. I can see mile markers ahead, some partial (some complete) resolutions to some of the more aggressive issues in my life. And spring is here, complete today with howling winds outside. Winter doesn't release its grip on us easily here in Livingston, and gets angry when spring demands its rightful place. Friday, I looked out of the front window at work to see heavy snow falling through the bright sunshine. Out back, in the evening, a lovely sunset was bordered on the south side by a boiling black snow front muscling up out of Paradise Valley. The weather mirrors my life perfectly... kicking and screaming into a warmer, more beautiful place.

Peace and joy to you all.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

March the twenty-eighth, 2010

279.6 pounds

More Notes On Something Or Other

Work. Play. Work. Education. Personal upheaval, and the positive but painful progress made by changing the status quo. Family. Love, marriage, children.

These are the things much on my mind this past week, as well as weight loss. Out of a depressed period, I start to think and try to make good decisions about larger issues, life directions, etc... and not to leap headlong in a different direction simply because I get squirrelly in the current one.

A good friend calls it "holding the tension." To sit in that place of tension, when opposite forces are pulling at each end, is uncomfortable... but it's where amazing things are revealed. I believe, and must remind myself, that the very best things come with effort; and no great reward comes without great risk. That doesn't mean that because I am uncomfortable I will recklessly abandon my job or life here in Livingston (as I might have once done) but that I need to be willing to do things that require effort and discomfort when the need to do so is revealed.

So I'm holding fast on my sandbar lately, and I've had a lot of good friends and loved ones of all sorts pull their boats up for a visit recently. I have excellent support and advice from trusted people... so when the mad currents clarify a bit and show me which direction to swim, I know I won't be dragged under.

Also, as is common when I come out of a poor eating/weight plateau and begin eating mindfully and well again, I have dropped weight again recently. The suit that the theater bought me for the Christmas Vaudeville is big on me. All of my clothes are big on me. When I walk, I feel tall again, not just wide. I'm nearer than seems possible to my next goal. For now, holding the tension seems to be working. Hopefully I'll be able to stand in the middle of the current battle of life forces (without food-medicating myself) long enough for the right path to appear.

Stop by for a chat if you like.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

March the thirteenth, 2010

281 pounds

I Got The Horse Right Here

Jeneva Plumb and Carolina Kehoe, two of the incredibly lovely and talented people that I have the great fortune to perform with, rehearsing for Guys & Dolls.

Yesterday was a fine day, and I have high hopes for today as well. We rehearsed Guys & Dolls for eight hours, I ate well, and slept like a baby. Today I'm working on the downstairs space that I inhabit, and tonight it's back to rehearsal... full days, but rewarding.

I don't have a lot of deep thoughts today, I just want to check in and let you know that I didn't need to binge on awful food yesterday... sometimes I can break a bad cycle with just one night of resistance, so I'm hopeful for the near future. The weather is fine, I feel good physically, and all of my business is enjoyable business.

I hope today finds you as well as I feel.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

March the eighth, 2010

286.4 pounds

Bleary Eyed And Droopy Tailed

Big Jule.

I am now certain that I've taken on too much. In my defense, when I agreed to perform in Guys & Dolls, I didn't know that my workload was going to increase as much as it has. Don't get me wrong here... I like to work and I like my job. But 45-50 hours per week plus rehearsing the show plus trying to lose weight just isn't working. I get to a point in the evening where I'm so tired that my body actually feels like it's vibrating... at a very strange frequency. When I get to that stage, any thoughts of eating well simply aren't there; I just want some comforting food and sleep. Luckily, I'm still very focused during the day, so I haven't gained any weight (two-tenths of a pound)... I'm just sort of in a holding pattern until I can calm my schedule down a little.

Overall, I have been in a positive mood. I'm optimistic about my life in general and my weight loss in specific... I just need to arrange my life so that I can avoid, whenever possible, becoming so exhausted that I no longer care what I eat.

Now I have to go learn lines.

Let's shoot crap.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

March the seventh, 2010

286.4 pounds

And In Other News

Sometimes it works. Writing real things about myself, then posting them for all to see, is terrifying in a way. But sometimes the things that happen as a result are worth the fear. Today I know things that I didn't know yesterday. Today I can sense Spring on the way, literally... and Summer doesn't feel like a lifetime away. I don't mind that I'm going to work soon, and I'm excited to run over to rehearsal after making pizzas all day so that I can be on stage with my friends. Just for now, today is good enough for me... and I may even sing and dance a little.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

March the third, 2010

286.2 pounds

Halt! ... Or I'll Say "Halt" Again

Yesterday was stunning, a welcome surprise at this time of year. Muzzy and I walked for miles, and rounded up my mother for a nice stroll at the dog park. Muzzy has lots of friends there, including this honking big harlequin Great Dane and a sweetly disposed lady Pit Bull.

In my last post, I wrote that I thought I was coming to the end of a depressed period... I was wrong. To paraphrase my late great-uncle, Fred, the weather was just drawin' back its fist. A fairly intense cloud of existential angst settled on me for a visit Friday and Saturday, an unwelcome visitor in a time when I'm trying to accomplish some difficult things. Really, it was all I could do just to get up and go to work.

I'll refer again to my 12-step recovery work, because principles that I learn there are useful in application to my eating problem... during this latest blue period I thought often of HALT. HALT reminds us that it is dangerous to become too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. Well, folks, as of late I have been three out of four of those things most of the time. I haven't been angry much at all, but the other three lurk around sullenly pretty much always... waiting to pounce. The thing is, I really don't know how to avoid any of that. Work makes me very very tired. I just had two lovely days off, and I'm tired (almost exhausted) just thinking about working in a couple of hours. I fear that's just the deal, though. That's what working people feel, and I'm fortunate to have a job that pays me as well as mine does, and even the measure of flexibility that I'm granted. Also I get to take a week off this summer to spend with my family, and I get paid for it. So Tired is just going to have to stay. Hungry... well, golly. If I ate every time I felt hungry, I would never lose weight. The big one is Lonely. That's just something that I feel, regardless of the wonderful, supportive people in my life. I know you love me, I know you're there... but I can't escape the lifelong feeling that I'm all alone on an empty sandbar, watching the world flow by. I think I've been trying to fill that emptiness since I was a wee lad... and it may well be a big part of my former alcohol and drug abuse, as well as my eating issue.

Now, I don't feel that way all the time. Like I wrote before, it lurks. It gives me enough down-time so that, if I work on myself, I don't have to eat, drink or drug it away. Also, I'm reminded of a novel by John D. MacDonald, in which Travis McGee tries to explain to his friend Meyer a sentiment similar to mine. As I remember, Meyer looks bemusedly at Travis and says something like, "Why, Travis... that's the way it is. For everyone in the world."

So I suspect that this unique suffering of mine, this special and private sadness, is maybe something that I share with everyone I know. Maybe it's just part of being a human being on the planet, this feeling. In any case, I tried to eat it into submission a couple of times over the past week.

But it's not all bad, friends. I had a really great couple of days filled with walking and sunshine and my dog and healthy food. And I made an interesting discovery. My father, as usual, was completely right about my scale worries. I weighed myself at the hospital, then walked straight home and tried out both scales. The digital was right on the money, the analog was way heavy. I tricked myself. So, by way of "shooting" the offending scale, I'm going to neatly package it up and ship it back... get my sixty bucks back, I tell you. It was nice to be wrong, and a little humility provided by gentle correction is always good for me.

I'm not entirely sure that I'm through with this particular bout of depression. I feel like I am, but I'm wary. We'll see how the work-week treats me. I am cautiously optimistic today; that's the best I can do. If I write, I'm doing OK... I find that I'm completely unable to write about a bad time while I'm in it. So hopefully you'll be seeing regular posts again.

From my sandbar to yours,

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

March the second, 2010

286.2 pounds