Take A Hike, Pal

I have been hiking a lot. I'm getting kind of crazy about it. I want to do it all the time. Maybe it's because the season is so very short here... June, July, August, maybe a little into September. The rest is pretty much winter. So, up Pine Creek I go. I have gone maybe six or seven times in the past week. I prefer to hike with a friend or two, but if nobody is up for it... I'm going anyway. The hike up to the waterfall is pretty easy. It's one mile, with just a little climb at the end, just enough to get my heart rate up nicely. And it is really beautiful, just amazing. I love it. Then, yesterday, my hiking pal Caitlin asked if I wanted to hike to the top of the falls. Sure... why not? I have been toying with the idea of hiking all the way up to Pine Creek lake (another four miles) so why not go a little farther up and further in?

Oh, boy. It goes, in just a hundred vertical feet or so (about 10 switchbacks), from really beautiful to spectacular. Say it like this: separate the syllables and get loud. SPEC-TACULAR! So I went a little farther up (and further in) today, by myself, and this time I brought the camera. Thanks again, Dad. There are little flowers at the higher elevations that don't grow below. The air is crisp and lightly scented. And it's harder to get there. Those switchbacks are steep, some of them. But the feeling I have when I get up there... I'm going all the way to the lake, and soon. For an overnight trip. I'm told by reliable sources that the view is stunning, and worth the effort. The effort, by the way, is considerable. After the falls, it is another four miles to the lake... four miles of switchbacks ascending three thousand vertical feet. That is a serious hike. But I'm up for it. I'll keep you posted.

It was a half and half kind of week, eating wise. Three partly cloudy days, three blue sky days, and one very sick day which was neither. I'm not quite as mindful when eating as I would like to be, and I give in to appetite more often than I like. But, overall, I think the new path is a good one. I'm exercising like crazy, and I'm getting fitter. Also, Jess Owen called me fabulous, which makes me silly happy.

Oh, and there are a lot of cutthroat trout in Pine Creek lake. Yep.

Peace, love, and good hiking to you all.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

June the twenty-second, 2010

260.6 pounds

Patience, Grasshopper

There were luminous little blue faerie-flowers all over the side of the trail up to Pine Creek falls.

The best thing about exercising is hiking, and seeing stuff like this.

Staying off of the scale for a week at a time is teaching me patience, or that I'm a neurotic nutbag, or both.

I wrote that I wanted to focus on what kind of day I was having instead of the weight loss it generated, and that is still true... but it's more difficult than I thought. Keeping away from the scale really gets my internal dialogue going, really allows me to get into the weird and splash around. Is it working? I feel heavier after that apple. My pants feel loose, maybe it's working... is that possible, or did they expand? Maybe it's due to humidity, or lack of humidity, or these aren't the pants I thought they were, or maybe they were already loose when I bought them and I just didn't notice, or maybe I was standing differently last time I wore them. Is my face fatter now than it was ten minutes ago? I shouldn't have eaten that grape.

Oh, boy.

The good thing is, when all my weird comes out, I get to lay it on the table and have a look at it. I get to decide what is useful and what I want to pitch in the trash bag. It will take a lot of work to get rid of the stuff I don't want, but at least I know what it is.

As far as my month so far goes... out of fourteen days, I have had two Partly Cloudy and twelve Blue Sky days. That means that I have exercised every single day, sometimes extensively, and only eaten more than I thought I should have on two days. And no destructo-food, no Taco John's or MacDonald's or microwaved chimichangas from the gas station. The two days that I knew I had to count as Partly Cloudy, the food that I ate too much of was healthy, home-made stuff... so things have been pretty darn good.

Did it work? I have no idea. It is weigh-in day today, and I haven't done it yet. I'll do it right before I post this thing. I'm a little nervous... what if I have to post a zero loss? Or (gasp) a gain? Well... what if? Will the roof collapse? Will my friends shun me? Will I somehow be diminished as a human being?

It is useful for me to ask myself these questions, because the answer is "no." None of those things will happen. I still will have done well what I set out to do, and can be glad of it. And summer is really, really close... I'm ready for hiking and camping and seeing friends that live far away, and more hiking. And Blue Sky.

Come visit me, please. We'll go for a walk and look at flowers.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

June the fifteenth, 2010

261.4 pounds

A Different Focus

Wagon and lilacs.

I'm going to try to shift my focus just a bit today.

I'm not going to weigh myself. I'm becoming a bit obsessed with the number on the scale each morning, and while I think I still want to use my weight as a measurement of progress, I don't want it to be the daily end game. So I'm going to try to stay off the thing for a week, and instead focus on how I comport myself each day. My old resume says that I am a "results oriented individual," but this isn't job hunting... it's life hunting. And the results aren't up to me, only the work. So, I think I'll concentrate on the process for a while and let the chips fall where they may. For instance, I had a fine breakfast a few minutes ago of yesterday's excellent stew, a chunk of good local bread, and a few grapes. When I began to feel full, I stopped eating and put the leftovers away. When I feel hungry again, I'll drink a glass of water or sugar-free sweet tea (steeped with fresh mint - yum), then wait at least a half an hour before eating. Then I'll stop eating again when I'm not hungry. That takes a bit of a change in my habits, as I need to eat more slowly than usual if I'm going to use hunger as a portion guide. So I have to take my time. I don't work today, so that isn't too tough. When I'm working, I have to pre-portion correctly because there really isn't time to pay much attention. And I'll put in considerable exercise today... it's time to hit the gym for some weightlifting again. I can do a lot more physical stuff than I could even a few months ago, so I have to make sure that I push it just a little... my tendency is to let it ride easy and just sort of marvel at how good it feels to have regained a measure of fitness. I'm not in a shape that is anywhere near where I want to be, you see. I have made excellent progress, but I want to achieve much more.

So that's today's plan. I have chores and obligations, but I'm happy to take care of them, as that kind of thing adds to the blue sky of the day considerably... and the sky really is blue today; it is a pristine Montana spring day out there and I'm going to go get me some.

Tom Waits sang, "We're chained to the world, and we all gotta pull."

I don't mind.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

June the eighth, 2010

Blue Sky On A Cloudy Day

US highway 89 South.

It's been a good week. I have a new rating system for my weight loss... I'm color-coding each day on the worksheet that I made to keep track of my weight. Blue for "blue sky," the best kind of day: no eating derailments and exercise. Yellow for "partly sunny": good eating day with no exercise. Grey for "partly cloudy": imperfect eating day with exercise, and dark grey for "hurricane": big eating breakdown with no exercise. I had a partly cloudy day on the first of this month, but the past five days have been blue sky all the way. I'm going for a full week of blue sky.

I feel good physically, too. My exercise has been solely in the form of walking this week, and I'm really enjoying it. Got the ipod going, good shoes, and a small town to peruse... and spots of nice weather here and there. Plus the whole place smells like lilacs and sweet pine. Yesterday I walked to work and back (maybe three miles round-trip), and today I'll walk downtown to do my banking and hit the library... even though the weather is mildly crappy with a twenty percent chance of repugnant later in the afternoon. Later this week I'll add weightlifting back into the routine. My energy is good, my general mood is mostly bright, and I'm losing weight again.

I've been making my own food again, too. I love to be in the kitchen puttering, and it is an interesting challenge for me to learn to cook differently... paying more attention to the fat content of what I make, plus learning that I don't need to make enough food to feed an army. My crock pot has seen a lot of use lately. Chicken, pintos, low-fat chili... plus (outside of the crock pot) tortillas, avocados, nuts, and lots of salads. Today in the crock: garlic, onion, fresh-roasted green chili, cilantro (from my window), sweet corn, chicken, and chicken stock that I made last night. This evening I'll add a masa roux and a little low-fat sour cream. Stand back. The kid can COOK.

It's almost time to weigh in for the day. I'm waffling a little on whether or not I want to weigh daily... I'm trying to concentrate more on the color I get to put in the little box each day. If I eat well and exercise, my weight will go down. I'm not sure if I need to check it every day. Maybe weekly? I don't know. I'll keep weighing every day for now, but I'll be thinking about it. Gotta go now... the daily walk awaits. Gonna get me some blue sky on this chilly, cloudy day.

Love and joy to you all.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

June the seventh, 2010

264 pounds

To Begin Again

A flock of white pelicans wing their way to a nice spot on the Madison.

I have decided to begin again.

I have become complacent and lax, and I really, really don't want to lose the thread now. So here's the deal... I'm throwing out all the weight loss, everything I've done over the past nine months, and I'm starting fresh. As of yesterday. This is a new deal, with a new starting point... as well as an ending date rather than a specific goal weight. I weighed in at 269 pounds yesterday and I'm going to see what I can do with that by August 5th. That's the day that I'm planning to go to Flathead lake for a great big celebration at my family's property. That's swimsuit time. Also, it's right before my dad and stepmom and sisters and brother and niece and nephews show up here in Paradise Valley for vacation. It's right around the corner, and I'm gunning for some real change by then. What little sunshine we're getting around here these days is helping to inspire me, and I feel a sense of renewed commitment and energy. Summer is on its way, folks. Time to get cracking again.

In the wise words of Vasquez, "Let's ROCK."

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

June the second, 2010

269 pounds

In Order That Someone Will Shut Up About The Damn Tulips

This is my garden. I have: four Roma tomatos, four red bell peppers, one habanero, four jalapenos, one Anaheim chili, one sweet banana pepper, two kinds of basil, one cilantro, one spearmint and one rosemary... all in the front window.

I have been absent from writing for a very long time. The manatee has been silent. So, prodded by (not so) gentle encouragement from my excellent and constant friend, Kim R., I've decided to pick up again. There's been a lot of change since my last post, and many things have also stayed the same.

First of all, I have moved. I have an apartment, a fine huge space with pretty walls and all the amenities that I could wish for... except a yard, to be sure. I'm going to miss watching and photographing my avian friends. I guess I'll have to seek the birds out, since they won't be able (or inclined) to come visit me.

Okay, so that's really the only thing that has changed... but that one thing has had such a huge effect on me that it seems like a lot of things. I guess there are a lot of internal differences caused by the new arrangement. I began really thinking about it last night, and carried it over into this morning: the way that I feel about living alone, and the comforts and dangers that come with it. It is interesting to me that the good and bad feelings that I have happen almost simultaneously; one right on top of the other. Sometimes they even overlap, and I feel sad and content at the same time. That is an odd combination of feelings, I tell you. I think I'll outline the bad things first, then wrap up prettily with the shiny happy stuff. You're welcome.

And now that I really think about it, there's only one elephant in the room. It's lonely here. I am, by nature, a people person. Wait, let's clarify that a little. I am... selectively gregarious. I don't want to be around everyone; in fact I find a large-ish percentage of the humans out there to be fundamentally lacking in admirable qualities and I want nothing at all to do with them. But there are plenty of folks that I think are the bee's knees, and them I like to be around a whole lot... and the ones that I really really like, well... I think with those people I hop from "gregarious" right over into "needy." And there's nobody here but me.

Then there's my dog. Now my mother's dog, I guess. Oh, how I miss my little dog. Seriously, it's ridiculous... just writing about it, I have a knot in my gut and my throat feels tight. I decided that Mom could keep Muzzy living with her, both for her benefit and his, but I hate hate hate the end result as far as my own comfort is concerned. Selfish, I know. But that is why I made the decision to leave Muzzy with my mother; because he really loves to have someone around, and I'm at work a lot. Often more than eight hours at a time. Also, I was (am) trying to ease the feelings of guilt that I have over leaving Mom alone in her house, and I hope that with the dog there she will be a little better able to handle being by herself. So, I think my reasoning is intellectually sound, but I'm crushed. And I've been prowling the regional animal shelter websites and thinking.

There it is. I've written before about solitude and my feelings about it, and it's still the same... but more sharply focused these days. I'm having to put it in a bright spot and take a good look, because it's there, unavoidable, and appears to be there to stay. I may be entirely wrong about this, but I can't get away from my conviction that none of the good things that I gather in life are worth a hot damn unless I can share them with someone... human or animal.

And I need to be careful when I'm feeling this way, because it has been my lifelong habit to medicate the shit out of loneliness (five, five, five for my lonely) either with drugs and alcohol, or food, or even affection.

I don't want to take my friends and loved ones hostage. I don't want to obligate them to fix my sadness.

I don't want to eat myself into false contentment. Yes, I do! No, I don't. YES I DO. Shut up, please. That's a tough one, and the battle is far from over.

And as far as drinking is concerned, I would literally rather die right his minute than go back to the awful place that alcohol and drugs invariably took me. So that's out.

Maybe it's mostly a question of having to be aware that what I'm doing is making important discoveries. My discomfort may be necessary to gain insight. Back to the "holding the tension" thing.

I think I'm losing the thread here. I think it's time to cover the good bits, then touch on weight loss, then I'm outta here. There are pizzas to make.

The good: It's all mine. My things, my art, my plants, my gear all arranged as I see fit. And my apartment is really nice. Also, the responsibilities are mine, and fulfilling them in a timely fashion is incredibly satisfying. I have a great deal of contentment with my new surroundings.

Weight loss... I'll be brief. I'm not always perfect. I sometimes eat crappy food in quantity... far less often than I used to and far too often to keep my weight loss on a perfect track, but here's the hard fact: I weigh 270 pounds, and last September I weighed 375 pounds. So there you go.

I'll try to write more often. But I'm not promising a damn thing.

Peace and joy to you all, and thank you for being there.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

May the twenty-third, 2010

270 pounds

Christos Anesti

It takes a long time for Spring to arrive. In October, Winter can be seen lurking around the outskirts of town... leaning against a shabby storefront smoking cigarettes, leering at your best girl, making the children uneasy. Soon Winter is making ugly scenes right in the middle of Main street, howling and throwing snow all over your yard. Oh, he'll go away for a day or two, maybe even a week... but it is soon clear to all of us that he is here to stay, really settled in for the long haul. Winter has moved in and he isn't going anywhere; he bothers you on your way to the car every morning, he says rude things to you and your loved ones every time you go outside and makes every person hurry indoors. He rules my little town for five months without contest.

Then, maybe late in March, maybe early in April, Spring arrives and begins to gently suggest that Winter might find a different town to pester, maybe someplace in Siberia... but just maybe it's time to leave Livingston alone for a while. This pisses Winter off to no end, let me tell you... and now it's time for Winter and Spring to fight for another couple of months, trading punches and biting ears until winter is finally too tired to continue whereupon he slouches gloomily off to ruin someone else's mood.

Very shortly after, Spring will tip her hat, wink at us, and leave all abruptly... leaving her brassier sister Summer in her place. But until then, Spring places her little clusters of tulips by my house and so brave they stay, even as Winter throws mule-kicks at us all. Through the late snows a brilliant tiny beacon of loving color warms me and reminds me that all will soon be renewed.

Brave Spring! O hope! With open arms I welcome you home, dear one.

Christos anesti.

Steve "Big Daddy" Hodgson

Easter morning, April the fourth, 2010

276 pounds